


Horseman, Obviously

by skulls_and_stripes



Category: BoJack Horseman
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Monologue, Suicide Attempt, Voicemails, idk really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:00:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22359874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skulls_and_stripes/pseuds/skulls_and_stripes
Summary: BoJack's going on a road trip. It's an annoyingly long road trip, and driving is surprisingly tiring, so he pulls over to take a break at regular intervals. But he doesn't want to just sit in his car for five minutes, that would be boring. So he tries to call someone that won't pick up.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 57





	Horseman, Obviously

_"The number you have called is not currently available. Please leave a message after the tone."_

"Ugh, trust her to not even have a proper voicemail message." He's interrupted by a loud beep. "Hey, it's ... it's been a while." He pauses uncertainly. "Well, it hasn't really, but technically there's no real set definition of a 'while', is there? So it can be as long as we want it to be. Oh, that reminds me, uh, I read a while back that vegetables are a social construct. You know, since fruits have an actual defintion, but a vegetable is just whatever we say is a vegetable? And that's how tomatoes are technically both." He pauses. "So I guess technically you could say beer is a vegetable..."

The mention of the drink causes his stomach to turn violently. It's not a feeling he's used to associating with alcohol -- years of regular drinking have built up his tolerance to the point where it takes an absurd amount of alcohol to even really get him drunk, let alone throwing-up levels of drunk. "Well, uh, I gotta go now, but … I'll call you back, I guess."

"...This is BoJack, by the way."

"...Horseman, obviously."

* * *

_"The number you have called is not currently available. Please leave a message after the tone."_

"Hey, it's me again!" He forces a chuckle. "I'm kind of on a long drive right now, and, uh, I keep taking breaks so I don't end up crashing. But I don't want to just be sitting in my car uselessly. So that's why I keep calling you." He pauses. "Trying to call you, I guess. Since you won't answer. It feels like it's been ages since I've seen you ... but I guess I probably won't see you again soon, anyway. That's life for you."

He glances around. "Ugh, apparently there's some sort of marathon in this area? That's so annoying, I'm probably gonna have to stop the car so, like, a hundred people can run past. Which will make this all take longer than it should. Goddammit, I'd better get moving again or I'll be trapped forever. I'll call you back in, like, another hour?"

"...This is BoJack, by the way."

"...Horseman, obviously."

* * *

_"The number you have called is not currently available. Please leave a message after the tone."_

"Yeah, so, uh, it's me again. Same road trip, another break. Gosh, it must be annoying to have to go through all these messages ... but you're never going to check your voicemails, are you?" He sighs. "You never were the type to check your phone. You didn't really care that much if people were trying to get in touch with you." He chuckles. "You know, I've already said I'm driving, but I haven't said where I'm going yet, have I? I guess I don't really know myself, honestly. I just, uh, I panicked a little earlier and I felt like I had to go drive somewhere. And that turned into a three hour road trip. Six hours if I want to go back now …

"Still, if I've gone this far out, I guess I might as well go somewhere. Michigan, maybe? Or I might visit you. ...No, that would never work. I can't just 'visit' you, I'll end up staying there forever." He bites his lip. "Still, I don't see how that would even be a bad thing. I … I'm gonna keep driving. I'll leave another message soon."

"...This is BoJack, by the way."

"...Horseman, obviously."

* * *

_"The number you have called is not currently available. Please leave a message after the tone."_

"Yep, me again. Wow, leaving four voicemails in the span of a couple hours for no reason at all -- it's a good thing you won't even check this, or you'd be so annoyed with me. Trust me, I know how it feels. Bradley's called me a bunch of times. I kinda walked out on him earlier and he's freaking out. God, he's annoying sometimes. But I guess I don't have much room to talk. Some friend I am, eh?"

"That reminds me. I … I just wanted to say. I'm sorry for everything. I should have treated you better. You deserved better from me … or, I guess you deserved better than me." He forces a chuckle. "Maybe if I hadn't been such a selfish asshole to you then you would actually be answering these calls, huh? God damn it, now I'm getting myself upset again. I'd better go."

"...This is BoJack, by the way."

"...Horseman, obviously."

* * *

_"The number you have called is not currently available. Please leave a message after the tone."_

"Okay, okay, I know I literally left you a voicemail thirty seconds ago, but I just had to say this before I went driving again, you know? Otherwise it would eat at me the whole time and then I wouldn't focus. So, uh, yeah. Five voicemails in three and a half hours, and I'm not even a concerned overprotective parent." He forces a laugh.

"Anyway, I wanted to say … I met a girl today. No, not _met a girl_ like that. Get your mind out of the gutter, she's just a kid. Anyway, point is, I met a girl today and she reminded me of you. Her name was Chloe."

"Okay, this time I'm going to drive for real. ...This is BoJack, by the way."

"...Horseman, obviously."

* * *

_"The number you have called is not currently available. Please leave a message after the tone."_

"You're never gonna hear this, I know. Which is a pity, 'cause it's super weird to show up unannounced, and I've decided I'm visiting you. I know, you probably want nothing to do with me which is fair, but I'm coming, whether you like it or not. ...Well, I guess it's weird to say 'visiting'. I'm staying with you forever. I ... can't really go back to LA after seeing you again. You know that."

"So, yeah, see you soon, I guess. I'm right about to get back in the car and then I'll go. I'm going to drive super fast. Like, I'm talking way beyond the speed limit fast. I've already spent four hours on this road trip, I'm not going to waste any more time. So I'm just going to get in the car and drive as fast as I can. Talk to you later."

"...This is BoJack, by the way."

"..."

"..."

"I'll be there soon, Sarah Lynn."

**Author's Note:**

> in case it wasn't clear enough, this takes place right after he walks out of Ethan Around in That Went Well. he's talking to sarah lynn and referencing that she wont check her voicemails because she's dead, and eventually decides to see her aka crash his car like he almost does in the end of the episode (also bojack sees a sign for 'some marathon thing' going on in the area because that's the herd of horses that inspires him to stop)


End file.
